thelongnight

it’s July 18th, and school starts in less than 37 days. a little less if you count orientation (which I missed out on last year, so I’ll probably swing in for it this time around).

my bill for school is lining up to be about $6,000 this year. this is, of course, pre-financial aid conversation about how I kinda need the Pell grant to cover more of that, and whine about how ridiculous it is that my taxes pre-school and pre-life shattering events determine my available grant money some 2-3 years later. I’m not upset at all.

I also have to have a conversation with someone, anyone, who can be a resource for getting me on a campus meal plan. I’ve discovered that willing myself to cook anything at home is equivalent to pulling my own teeth out. which, you’d think seeing the damage done to my own arms and body that I might be able to do, but alas… DIY dentistry is arguably worse than any kind of gore I can imagine. somehow I meet a lot of people who feel the same – are we all scared of our own teeth? anyway, food costs $3,300 a semester. yes, I could eat for cheaper, but I’d rather not. my teeth will thank me, for if I had it my way I’d only drink diet coke and eat handfuls of salt all day.

aside from the financial situation and all the terror that comes with, I am as excited as ever to be back to doing “something” with my day to day life. we’ll see if I don’t waste away before the first day back on campus, but the vibrations of anticipation may very well keep me alive until then. a 19 credit semester is calling to me.

I’ve missed having people to interact with regularly, though specifically I’m finding that it’s people with whom I share some kind of suffering with. I noticed at a party yesterday that no matter how dedicated you are to your education or job, it will always become an easy and tangible point of conversation for those who share that experience with you. school is significantly superior as a conversation topic than work, though. you bring up your major with other students around and you’ll have professors and classes to talk about for at least an hour. “who did you have for Sustainable Communities? was it Shoana? they’re great, but you should really see if you can get into…” and it goes on, and on. and then on.

I’ve decided to work weekends while in school, instead of quitting entirely. I figure that’ll make my rent situation easier to stomach. I’d appreciate digging into my savings as little as possible, since I’m basically just using student loans to pad my bank account out of guilt. that’s a topic for my diary, which you may have been deceived into believing this was – it is not. my diary contains less rambling about school and more blood splatters and torn pages of manic screaming turned ink. it’s quite jarring, even for me. kinda like waking up after getting too drunk. not blackout, so you do remember some things, which somehow makes it more disturbing – you remember all the atrocities of the night before and don’t even get the excuse that you were too messed up to be held accountable. make sense? sure it does.

sometimes I wonder what it is I want to get out of writing things like this. it isn’t clarity, at least, it ought not to be. clarity seems to me a solution – that is, to understand. and to understand myself seems horrible. I’m not ready for it, nor really interested. it does satisfy some boredom too late at night or early in the morning, which is better a use of time than my usual Wordle archive marathon and bedrotting with some oven-bake pizza. California Pizza Kitchen, thin-crust chicken bbq, in-case you were curious. $10 at Albertsons. we’ve been in shambles as a society for a long time, but I find that frozen pizzas are a deep reflection into the state of our country. California Pizza Kitchen was always one of the most expensive options, so when I tell you that $10 seems reasonable, it’s because the Digiorno and generic brand pizzas are comparable. mind numbing. maybe that’s what I get out of writing like this, an outlet where I can pour completely disconnected thoughts together in a blender and forget about the mess it would otherwise make in any other situation. nobody reads this shit.

I need to sleep.